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carefully. Once he finished, she allowed a couple of minutes
of silence to fill the room. "You care about him don't you?"
Derek didn't respond. "Honey, I've watched you grow up.
When I held you as a baby and listened to your happy
giggles, I knew I had brought a bright and cheerful person
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into this world. You've brought happiness, joy, and pride into
my life. But as you've grown, I've watched you build walls
around yourself. Your father and I talk about it often. But
you've had lots of friends, done well in school, and stayed out
of trouble, so we just accepted your brooding as one aspect
out of many in your personality and didn't consider it
something to worry about. I think that was a mistake on our
part."
Derek's mother took his hand and waited until he faced her
and was listening. "You keep everything bottled up inside of
you and your only outlets are running and wrestling.
Sometimes people need other people so they can get things
off their chest. As a young man about to head off to college, I
think it's time for you to face some grown-up facts. Your
happiness will not be gained by keeping things in and trying
to be who you think others expect you to be. I'm not saying
you should be selfish or shouldn't consider the feelings and
needs of others. You aren't capable of disregarding others.
When you keep your feelings in, it can be harmful and
unhealthy."
Derek's body began to quiver, and tears began to roll
down his cheeks. His mother allowed him a moment to gain
control of himself, and then continued. "Derek, I'm going to
ask you a very difficult question, but it's a question that must
be asked, and it has to be asked now." She paused and her
struggle to find the courage to speak was transparent.
"Derek, are you gay?"
Derek wasn't surprised by the question, but the fact that it
had been asked out loud left him paralyzed. His hands and
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arms started shaking and his stomach tumbled about,
threatening to erupt. Every fear he had held about revealing
he was gay bombarded his mind at once: his fears of
rejection, disapproval, hatred, and alienation. All of them
started circling in his brain. All he could draw the strength to
say was, "Yes."
His emotions burst within him as his whole body shook and
he began to cry in earnest. His mother grabbed him tightly,
holding him close. He lost a sense of time as they sat,
hugging and crying together. Finally, Derek began to regain
control of himself. He first stopped his trembling and then,
slowly, stopped crying. After a few more minutes of resting in
his mother's arms, they drew apart. "How did you know?"
His mother smiled, her eyes red and swollen and her
cheeks shimmering with her tears. "Oh sweetie. You may
keep a lot of things to yourself, but some things you simply
can't keep from a mother. We have a way of knowing things.
I suppose it's because I carried you in my body for nine
months and stayed home to raise you. I've had my suspicions
for years now, but this year, you lit up. Something came alive
in you after you met Scott and I just knew. What I didn't
know was how to ask."
A comfortable silence fell between them, giving Derek a
chance to process their conversation. To his surprise, instead
of dread or mortification, relief flooded through him. "I've
been too scared to tell you. I was afraid you might not love
me anymore."
His mother's lips began to quiver, but she stoically
swallowed back her emotions. "Derek, nothing in this world
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could ever cause me to lose one ounce of the pride and love I
feel for you. I won't lie, the fact you feared losing my love
hurts, but although I call you a young man, you are still a
boy. You are my boy and I will always love you. I'll have to
adjust and accept that some of the hopes and dreams I've
had for you won't come true, but this is not a bad thing.
Nothing about you is bad. We'll work on adjusting to this
together, as a family. Some of my dreams will remain the
same. I still want you to find someone to love and who will
love you. For some of my other hopes and dreams, like you
experiencing parenthood, we'll have to see what happens with
those. All parents want their children to be happy and
healthy. Our needs are simple in that regard."
Derek couldn't believe his mother was ticking off each of
his fears one by one, like she had a checklist of everything he
had ever worried about. He leaned in and hugged her again.
"I love you so much, Mom."
Hugging him back, a few of her tears spilled onto his
shoulder and soaked through his t-shirt. "I love you, too."
Sitting back to lean against his headboard he looked at his
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